Monday, May 16, 2016

No Intention to Recall the Memories

Dear mom, I'm sorry for not having intention to recall the memories of you. I know entering month of May there is your birthday. I never forget it. I know I've been so bad not thinking of you in many days but it doesn't mean I forget you. It's just that.. realizing the fact that you are gone has saddened me.

On your birthday, I can control my mind not to think of you but my heart feels sorrow. Well sometimes heart cannot cooperate with brain. But still I don't have intention to recall memories of you.

Now I'm just wondering where you are now, what you are doing now. I think you have revealed the mystery of life after death. Being judged based on good and bad life record, meet God maybe? No one knows what happened after death. It's one of the biggest secret in universe. I pray the best for you in the name of our God. I love you mom.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Grief in The Beginning of Year 2014

This year I have lost one of the biggest love I have ever had. It is a love of a mother. On January 14, 2014, my mother passed away. It was hard to accept it at that moment, but I tried.

In her life, she has never wanted to burden me or others. She is strong and full of pride. Seeing her ever cry is a rare event. She has never shown her weakness although life is cruel to her.

Since the day she has gone, every time I wake up in the morning, every time before I go to sleep, every time I am on my way home from work place, I always think of her. Every corner of our house reminds me to her, reminds me to her love. She loves me so much more than herself. She always gives the best for me. Heart start shaking then tears suddenly flow every time I miss her. The fact that I cannot see her has broken my heart.

I prayed to God and asked Him several questions like: "Why did you take my mother now? Why didn't You just cure her? How is my mother now?". He did not say anything, but He gives me some answers through dreams.

I have dreamed about my mother. Once, I dreamed seeing her lying down in a room. She looked like contemplating something but she did not speak. She calmly looked at me then somehow I was out of the house, got further and heard slightly rustle sounds remarked, "looked like she has realized (she has died)". Then I woke up. On the other day, which is one day before Chinese New Year, I had another dream. I entered some house. It was dark, dim glow. I passed by two subjects who had conversations, they were floating and looked like planning on something. At that time there was word crossed in my mind. The word started with letter B. They seemed did not notice my presence. I continued until I found my mother's chamber. I saw her sleeping on a bed. I came to the side of her bed and called her. She turned around and looked at me blankly. I hugged her for a second. She starred at me for a while then suddenly she starts crying. She spoke to me few things that she had ever told me. "I always pray for you. I wish for your success", she said. "I want to stay with you here", I stated. She shook her head and replied, "It's time for you to go home". Suddenly I felt like floating further from her and heard slightly the same rustle sounds remarked, "looked like she has realized (...)". With my eyes closed, I felt intensely grief. I cried and woke up from my dream. The clock showed 3.30 a.m.

Sometimes I still ask God how my mother is there. On March 23, I saw her again in my dream. She looked so fine. She told me that she has not died, she was just asleep. Her words made me thought that the doctors must be wrongly stated her death. I tried to follow her into a house but she disappeared.

When I write this, I still cannot hold my tears. My heart still feel heavy each time I realize she has gone. I miss her.

my mother in her 30s

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Short Letter at The End of 2013

Next year I am going to a new place. In my vision, it is a place where I can grow stronger, a place where I can change to be someone new, a place that makes me fall in love again, a place that can answer one biggest question in my life. I am leaving you..

I wish you all the best (happiness, joy, peacefulness, and many good things). Always be bright and shine like sun in the morning. Your presence has brought meaning into my life. You put good picture in my mind. Someday, I will be back just to see how much you grow.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Valuable Time for Precious Person

Lately I've been sad thinking about my mother. She is sick. Her feet are swelling if she walks, stands, or sits too long. She is also easily get tired. At night she cannot sleep well due to pain over her feet and body. She has to rest a lot. We had taken her to the doctor specialized in rheumatoid because she believed it was because rheumatoid. It is true that after got injections on the pain spots, she could walk around lightly the day after. But after one or three months, the pain is back. She decided to take medicine rather than injections because injections are costly.

My mother is 64 years old. Now I am taller than her. I remember when I was little, she used to hold my hand when we walked together. Whenever we hung around, it felt like there were just two of us in the world.

Comparing past to present makes me feel sad. My mother could not do many activities due to her health condition. If I could buy time to the point where my mother was healthy, I would buy it. I will be glad if God give me that chance.

Think about your parents that are still alive now. Imagine and feel past moment that you were share together. When you were little, when you first enter school, when you were sick, see the moments that you were spending together, try to remember everything about it. After you finish flashing back to the past, now move forward to the future. Imagine your life or how you live without your mother or father. Imagine when they are gone and you cannot meet them again for the rest of your life. How do you feel?

You can measure someone in your life important or not by looking to the past and the future. Often we do not realize how important a person to us until that person is gone. Spend more time with precious persons in your life no matter how busy you are, because you will not know when the time separates you from your precious one.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Enemy Inside Me

Too many activities have made me busy and distract my mind to only think about college and work. It is tough when I realize that almost all of my life I have spent my time for school and work. I have nothing to pursue my dream now, but I feel so lucky in several occasions. One occasion I was worried about book cost for study, another one about transportation cost. Luckily, my friend lent his book (thanks to mricky), and I've also got free-ride on the way to campus or going back home (thanks to marlen and yunita). They have become bless for me. And recently, some of my friends are complaining about their lecturer supervisor in guiding thesis subject. They told me that their lecturer supervisor are not giving feedback, hard to meet, or even don't care with them. It is vice versa with me. My lecturer supervisor asks my progress regularly and complained that I am too slow among his students. I'm grateful that he pushes me to consistently make progress and give me hint to study more.

As a human, I do have biggest challenge in my life, and I guess it is the same with you. My biggest challenge is how I can knock out myself. I often feel I'm not in the mood to write my thesis. Fortunately my lecturer supervisor has pushed me. But important part that I should remember is there might be no other people who could motivate you on other occasion. It is only you, the key to make changes.

- Have you ever in diet program but you cannot stand to eat a lot of food?
- Have you ever thought that you should study for the exam but instead you close your book and prefer playing game?
- Have you ever considered moving forward but instead you live in the past?
- Have you ever drowned in the sadness and fear won’t let you go?

Well I do.. for all the questions I remark, my answers are yes, I have.. what about you?

To achieve our goal is not as easy as flipping over our palm. There is price that we should pay. Often we feel pain, disappointed, humiliated, underestimated, sad, etc. before we get happiness and sweet result. If negotiation cannot reach consensus of peacefulness, then war is needed. Try to knock out enemies inside you and do something right. Suffer feeling will not make you die, it only make you stronger if you can past it.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Break The Limit

Sometimes I give up on chasing one of my dreams. Often I think that I don't have talent to make it real. It seems impossible for me so I only try a little just for fun. But when I found this fact, I did feel ashamed. Let's take a look these real stories.

First, He Ah Lee. She was born with a lobster claw syndrome. She only has four fingers but she can play piano as well as normal people or even better. She considers her weakness as special gift from God. Her first piano teacher said that don’t act as disabled people, but play as normal one. She practices piano about 5-10 hours/day for 5 years.

Second, Jessica Cox. She has no arms. She can write, type, drive a car, brush her hair and talk on her phone simply using her feet. She flies planes and she can type 25 words a minute.

Third, Andrea Bocelli. Born with poor eyesight, he became totally blind at the age of twelve following a soccer accident. When he wants something, he has to do it. He said, "Whatever happens in life, however sad or terrible, there are still thousands of reasons to go on living this life fully."

Now, think about your limitation. What would you do to break your limit?

Take a look this video and see our similarity with the player in this video. Pay attention to what the player and the coach say.

From their stories, we can learn to keep our spirit and never give up. Never pity ourselves and turn negative mind into the positive one. Never see boundaries in yourself or it will bind you as limitation to do many great things that you haven't imagined before.

Let's make our dreams come true by breaking the limit.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Anger Management

There was a moment when I was feeling down, there was no one around, only me... caught in the emptiness. I'd just lost something precious and most important thing in my life. It was my relationship with my best friend. I never knew how precious my friend was until the relationship was broken. What is your precious one?

I used to be a hotheaded person. It's already in my blood, lust of anger that told you, "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." When I was getting angry, I used to hurt my best friend with my body language and sometimes sharp sentences just because small thing. It didn't hurt outside but it did.. hurt inside. It might not be physical, but it wounded my best friend heart. If I look back to the past, I feel so fool and ruin everything good when I'm angry. Have you ever experienced moment like me?

Since I lost my best friend, I had set aside time to think. I didn't want this moment happen for the second time. I pray to be a better person then I found a way to manage my anger. Whenever I've gotten angry, I drink water a lot (cold water would be better), I keep the distance with the others, not much talking, and find some place to be alone. I don't want someone get hurt because of my anger. If I angry to the person I know, my heart will say, "If you love him/her, don't be angry. You don't wanna lose him/her right?" And I always keep in mind that never let the sun goes down before your anger fade away. If I tired controlling my anger, I will release the heat through sleeping. And when I wake up, I've already forgotten those anger feeling. Well, this work for me.

It's not always me who get angry. Sometimes I have to deal with other person who gets angry. Tips to face angry person are be patient, keep calm, act in manner way, talk tenderly, and understand what the problem is. If the problem can not be identified, keep the distance from that person.

Anger is not always negative. If someone stealing or doing criminal things and you're angry to that criminal action, it means that your conscience is still working. In that case, what makes anger become right or wrong is how you react to anger feeling. Commonly, anger is manifest in negatives way. Control the anger and get back your joy.

Other quotes that I remember to overcome my anger:
"When you are angry, count till 10 before you start talking"