Grief in The Beginning of Year 2014

This year I have lost one of the biggest love I have ever had. It is a love of a mother. On January 14, 2014, my mother passed away. It was hard to accept it at that moment, but I tried.

In her life, she has never wanted to burden me or others. She is strong and full of pride. Seeing her ever cry is a rare event. She has never shown her weakness although life is cruel to her.

Since the day she has gone, every time I wake up in the morning, every time before I go to sleep, every time I am on my way home from work place, I always think of her. Every corner of our house reminds me to her, reminds me to her love. She loves me so much more than herself. She always gives the best for me. Heart start shaking then tears suddenly flow every time I miss her. The fact that I cannot see her has broken my heart.

I prayed to God and asked Him several questions like: "Why did you take my mother now? Why didn't You just cure her? How is my mother now?". He did not say anything, but He gives me some answers through dreams.

I have dreamed about my mother. Once, I dreamed seeing her lying down in a room. She looked like contemplating something but she did not speak. She calmly looked at me then somehow I was out of the house, got further and heard slightly rustle sounds remarked, "looked like she has realized (she has died)". Then I woke up. On the other day, which is one day before Chinese New Year, I had another dream. I entered some house. It was dark, dim glow. I passed by two subjects who had conversations, they were floating and looked like planning on something. At that time there was word crossed in my mind. The word started with letter B. They seemed did not notice my presence. I continued until I found my mother's chamber. I saw her sleeping on a bed. I came to the side of her bed and called her. She turned around and looked at me blankly. I hugged her for a second. She starred at me for a while then suddenly she starts crying. She spoke to me few things that she had ever told me. "I always pray for you. I wish for your success", she said. "I want to stay with you here", I stated. She shook her head and replied, "It's time for you to go home". Suddenly I felt like floating further from her and heard slightly the same rustle sounds remarked, "looked like she has realized (...)". With my eyes closed, I felt intensely grief. I cried and woke up from my dream. The clock showed 3.30 a.m.

Sometimes I still ask God how my mother is there. On March 23, I saw her again in my dream. She looked so fine. She told me that she has not died, she was just asleep. Her words made me thought that the doctors must be wrongly stated her death. I tried to follow her into a house but she disappeared.

When I write this, I still cannot hold my tears. My heart still feel heavy each time I realize she has gone. I miss her.

my mother in her 30s