Fear of darkness

When I was six years old, I remember power blackouts often happened in my neighborhood. It doesn't bother me at all if it happened at day light. But at night, where there's no light, it's a horror for me. When that happened, I became anxious, scared, cried, screamed and called my mom. She would find me and try to calm me down. I would run to her then stick with her wherever she went. I held onto her, so we didn't get separated.

As I grow up, I start to think about what I'm afraid of when I'm in the darkness.

I felt uncomfortable when I couldn't see anything. I'm scared there would be ugly scary ghosts that appeared in my sight. I felt they threaten my life just like horror movies I watched. I was afraid to ghost.

I couldn't always depend on my mom or other people to protect me from ghosts. There would be moments when I'm alone, like when I lived at another town separated from my family, slept alone in my room and unpredictable moments. So, I decided to face my fear to darkness.

I try to remember how I face this fear. I don't think it's just one blink then gone. It's a repeated process through experiences. For example, when I need to walk through darkness from my bedroom to another room to get water to drink or need to use toilet, then I don't think too much, just do it! I control my mind by thinking there's nothing in the darkness. History of my life reminds me that I've never seen ghosts! And I don't want to see any. It strengthens my feeling that I won't see them. I also focus on surrounding near me and avoid seeing further through the darkness as it can make my mind wander.

Illustration

Although I've never seen ghosts, I have heard ghost's voices once. It was around 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. I suddenly woke up then in the silence I heard heeheeheehee, small laughing voice outside the window next to my bed. I was shocked then hurriedly turned on tv then played gospel song. I went back to sleep with the song still playing. That incident made me think, what if I really see ghosts? Well... I think I will just do exactly like in the movie, either run or fight.

In reality, I think bad people are scarier than ghosts. I often read news about crimes committed by bad people and not ghosts. I know there are articles or stories about ghosts that hurt people but there's no scientific evidence about it and it usually happens in specific locations. So, this fact reduces my fear.

Until now, I still sleep with the night lamp on. It's not that I'm not afraid anymore but I live with it, less negative reactions.